


All That I Want

by InLoveAndSqualor



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Bandom - Freeform, M/M, MCR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-21
Updated: 2008-07-21
Packaged: 2017-11-04 05:16:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InLoveAndSqualor/pseuds/InLoveAndSqualor





	All That I Want

I take your hand in mine just for the sensation of contact. The intention was to force my chilling fingers between yours; but reality becomes apparent when they are invited.

In the half light you are alarmingly beautiful; and I almost forget that I don’t really want you.

“Gerard…” You whisper to me.

Your voice sounds pitiful; stained with desire and love. I keep my carefully maintained expression of indifference; refuse to be touched by emotion, by such desperate weakness.

I don’t want you really. I just want this.

Shadows fall softly across your features and I see that quietly your eyes sing. Your chest it rises and falls so quickly, but so slightly, that I feel I could get lost in it’s rhythm for days. I am feeling so alone and so desperate that to have that chest heaving against mine appeals so completely; feels like my only option.

You were always a wonder to me; a strange exotic toy.

I place a still hand on your waist and think squalid thoughts. I think of hot lips and shaking hands. I dream of illicit touches; of warm breath and dampened skin; of pulses beating beyond control.

I curse my humanity. I curse my base needs.

You just look at me. Eyes wide open in a charming look of disbelief.

I flex the fingers still trapped amongst yours; exercise my ready ability to cease this embrace.

Then I touch your face and it shudders under my fingertips. You smile gently and I feel muscles shift beneath my light touch. 

These things, these sublime subtleties, are what drive me on when I know I should stop. 

I know I should stop; and think of you. I don’t. I never do. Because sensations rule this man. 

I hold you and touch you on this hot summer evening, where the air feels too warm and too thick to breathe, because you are too eager to be here. You are ever ready to be with me, like this. And I am the one to take advantage, to drink in your love, your adoration and show you none in return.

“Please,” I hear you sigh, interlaced and entwined with short gasps, small moans that you try to suppress. 

You want me you say through shaking lips and a trembling composure. I stand steadfast against you, unmoved but enraptured. Moments such as these, they are amongst my favourites. 

You tell me I am beautiful and breathe heavily on my cheek; and my eyes shine. You sigh and groan at my touches; and glee dances across these features. My lips curve into a smile, this rarest taste of joy their motivation.

I catch your lips with mine; feel relief in the act, the warmth against my own, the slight pressure pressing upon them. Their heat invites me to persist, battle through your coy show of resistance. I take your mouth with my tongue and revel in this invasion.

When I want to take away the pain of existence in one single stroke; you are the sweetest sedation I can imagine. When I want to feel every unholy hedonistic sensation I can bare; again you provide. 

As I stand here with you in this embrace I pillage and plunder your delicate soul. For these acts I feel truly sorry. Regret stings but fails however to sway my resolve, surpass my need to use you.

I pull your shirt over your head in a dramatic gesture that steals away your breath. I look fiercely into your eyes; I command that you do this right. I demand that you return my careful eloquence. 

Your fingers shake as they start to unbutton my shirt; I feel them murmur against my chest. My eyes do not move from yours for a moment. I can see that you are trying so hard to conjure the elegance that I desire. I clasp your fingers in my own and steady your tremors.

Please do this right, my mind begs to you, as I release my hold and bend to kiss your neck. 

Your skin feels so warm and inviting under my lips. I trace my tongue over a small length of warmest flesh and I close my eyes lost in this wonder. 

You finally remove my shirt and peer up at me in adoration. It sends a thrill through my every inch. I want so very much to be wanted.

I trace the contours of your hip and waist; my hand it dips and falls and I watch it’s progression as if it were not my own. I place my lips to your ear so that you can hear me breathe; and I feel you react how I’d intended.

When we fall to the bed I feel as if I have lost the memory of how we got there. But I don’t care, because you’re pressed against me. Your weight atop me makes the effort needed to breathe just that little bit greater and it feels so good. I look up and see your face smiling down. The hair that falls about your features frames you beautifully. It brushes against your skin as you shift above me and I swear for a second I lose my breath. 

“You want me?” You ask breathless and I nod in return; smiling up at you.

I don’t want you. But God do I want this.

I move my hands across your body and reap the obvious gratitude that you display. You are the most glorious instrument to play; melodies sing out from you and entrance me. 

I clasp your face in my hands and I pull you towards me. Because I want to touch your lips; and because I want to feel your breath and I want so much to taste your mouth. 

Not because I want you, just because I want to feel alive. And with you in my arms I feel life in it’s every aspect surrounding me. I feel the blood pumping in my veins and the cool air filling my lungs, and all because you want me so badly. You love me, you adore me and that is all I want; to be adored is to feel alive.

I give in to my impatient hands and I let them undress you completely. You blink at me. I wish you wouldn’t. You fumble with the buttons of my jeans and again I pray that you stop. Gently, but quietly and inwardly enraged, I pull away your trembling fingers and unbutton them myself. You look down at me gratefully. I feel cheated. 

I want you to take me. I want you to hold me perfectly in your arms. I want this moment to feel unreal; but instead imperfection invades and descends upon this. I try to understand why it is that every awkward exchange or moment we have feels like a blemish upon myself. 

I tell you to get off me quietly. I tell you to lie on your back for me and I see fear flicker across your eyes. But you obey; and as you do so I see your pupils dilate, the fair skin of your face grows paler still.

I climb atop you and know that this is the best I can hope for from you.

I kiss your neck harshly, hold your shoulders roughly and listen to the gasps that spill out from you and fill this room. They make me want to take you with all the hurt that’s running through me.

“Gerard…“ You plead and I can’t help but smile.

I ask you if you want this with my lips brushing against your cheek. And you nod. 

You do and really I didn‘t need to ask. Because you can’t stop your eyes from singing it; you can’t help but tell me with your shaking hands and your shallow breath.

I think of how wrong I am and how right this feels. 

I wish that I wanted you. I wish that after this I would want to come back for more. That I would long to lie with you by my side, looking into your eyes; lie there and tenderly brush away the hair that falls over your features to kiss your brow. It hurts that I’ll never feel the need to call you in the middle of the night just to hear your voice; or burn with the simple desire just to hold your hand. It wounds that all I want is to use you.

“I’m sorry Frank,” I whisper and you don’t understand.

You kiss me and you hold my face. You inch your fingers into my tangled hair and you thrust your hips up to meet mine. I laugh at you softly; a strange, irrepressible, moment of delirious joy.

I ready myself to enter you with anticipation dancing through me. I can’t wait for the relief of being with you now.

You grip the sheets. You grip them tightly under knuckles turning white and stare up into my eyes. 

I can see that you’re afraid.

And I don’t want to hurt you, but I want this so badly.

You’re willing me to do this. You’re searching my eyes and pleading; and I can’t help myself.

I finally give in and as I do I see your eyes grow wide, I see your hands travel across the sheets under you and your mouth twist into a cry.

I hold your face tenderly and with my thumbs gently stroke your cheeks. 

You manage a smile and I kiss your lips in sheer gratitude. As our lips meet and our tongues clash I am so grateful to you. I owe everything to you now; now as I begin to move inside you slowly and deeply. I feel bathed in this most glorious sensation. I am thankful to you as you move in response to me, return my efforts and reach up to hold me.

And I can’t believe we’re doing this. I can’t believe how selfish I am or how good this feels. 

As tender as I started this; I feel you becoming fevered, hotter. And now our bodies clash harder and you’re moaning so loudly that I can barely hold back my own. 

My lips slide from yours and rest on your cheek; and my ragged breath spills out hotly. I kiss your neck and you gasp. You run your hands over my dampened skin and this feels unreal. 

This feels so good and I hardly know what to do. I look down at you and you look so beautiful with your eyes half closed in pleasure and your mouth half open in a moan.

I bury my face into your neck, so that I can feel the warmth of your skin against mine; littering kisses down it before pressing my lips hard against you. Now all feelings blur into one, all awareness is focused on the hypnotic rhythm we are conjuring alongside the waves of pleasure that wash through me.

I can’t help myself now. I want to finish. I need to.

I grasp your shoulders and lock your lips in mine one last time.

This is it. I need this.

I pull away. I look at your delictate wondrous beauty below me; and I thrust deep into you. My release comes and forces yours. And I’m screaming to the heavens and so are you. This is like nothing that I had dreamed.

I collapse on top of you and you hold me tight; and I’m trying to catch my breath desperately. My lungs burn as my chest heaves and you clutch my form that wants to run from you.

I want to run.

You trail a shaking hand through my hair and whisper in my ear. You tell me that I’m wonderful, amazing. You tell me that you love me; and God do I want to run.

You wait for me to respond and I have no answers for you.

You clasp my face and look into my eyes. You’re searching for a clue, looking for my feelings.

I have none.

You reach up to kiss me and I pull away.

I watch as you’re lips contort in pain and I purse mine in regret.

I look away in horror and as I glance back I see a single tear run down your face.

I didn’t want to hurt you. I just wanted this so much. I wanted to feel how it would feel to be with you, wanted this thrill; but I never wanted you, I never did.

And now I do run. 

I pull away, get up, take my things, dress and start to leave; because I am so very ashamed of what I have done to you.

I won’t look back. I can’t look back at you as I rest my hand on the doorknob ready to flee. 

Your pain haunts me so as I stand half lost on the threshold of leaving.

“I’m sorry Frank,” I whisper to you in earnest as I turn the knob and step out.

And I know that you hear me; know now that you understand me perfectly as I leave.


End file.
